Life as a stay-at-home mum...

My life is pretty boring. The other day some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave. They finally snuck away when I went to make lemonade.
Marge Simpson

That pretty much sums it up lol. Tomorrow I'm gonna be a little different and do some gardening along with my housework, cooking, organising and chauffeuring. :)

grr argh

I am so fucking pissed at my fucking ex-husband. SSooooooo pissed.

I'm constantly covering his ass when the kids (13 and 10, so they dont miss much) say things to me like, why didn't Dad come to my birthday party, why won't Dad drive me to my sporting games (he wont even drive them to their sporting commitments, let alone watch a game, cos he doesn't want to "waste" his weekends and, last week, he told me he's too busy with his step-kids anyway :S), why won't Dad do this, why won't Dad do that, why why why... I'm constantly covering up the fact that he is a selfish fucking twat.... and THEN! My 10 yr old son informs me this morning that "poor Dad" can't be expected to pay half of his school camp this year, cos apparently I was so selfish I made him pay all of it last year, and hence its my turn this year. OMFG.

We have been separated/divorced for 4-5 yrs. For the first 3 to 4 years, yep FOUR, I did all the birthdays, easters, christmases, school camps, school fees, books, everything. He paid for and DID nothing. We share custody 50/50 but he somehow manages to avoid everything, go figure. So last year, he decides to parent - mainly cos I sorta force the issue - and he ended up having the kids on christmas day (which of course meant they had to "waste" their money buying them christmas presents :S... we'd already given them all their chrissie presents the week before) and he had to pay half of both school camps. From memory, he also contributed money to their school books at the beginning of last year (not this year mind you, but last year he chose to, weird).

Anyway, issue at hand... I paid half of Zac's school camp the day after the first camp note came home from school last year AND this year - I always do. So, even though I cover for his lazy selfish twat ass alllll the time, he outright lies to our son to make me look bad. And over money. Money. OMFG.

Why do people think money is the be all and end all? It just isn't.... I'd rather be broke and have a happy family than live like a fucking miser and be a fucking miserable lying asshole prick. xD

OMFG SO MUCH ANGER!

another top 5

My current top 5 fav songs... :)

1. Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun.
   I love the 80s'ness of this band. Much fun!
   This line sums up all my optimism atm: "I'm in awe of whats in front of me"
2. Fuck You by Lily Allen.
   I love her nice-girl melodies, and the way the niceness of the sound contrasts with the mostly in-your-face lyrics.
   My fav line: "fuck you, fuck you very very much"
3. Total Eclipse of the Heart by the Dan Band.
   Funny funny. I love the unexpected use of swear words lol.
   Too many favourite lines: "I see the fucking look in your eye" "Fucking every now and then I fall apart" "I fucking need you more than ever" xD
4. Gives you Hell by The All-American Rejects.
   I love the nasty revenge side of this love gone wrong song lol. And I really like the grungey'ness and, well, just the whole song lol.
   Fav line: "If truth be told I miss you, if truth be told I'm lying!" Anger much? Lmao.
5. Single Ladies by Beyonce.
   Not my normal type of song. But it has an awesome video clip... who the, how the... I think the Jo Hos should learn those dance steps lol. Plus the message is both lol'worthy and lesson'worthy for women imo. :)
   Fav line: "all the single ladies, all the single ladies... put your hands up"

top 5 Luke'isms

Ok ok we all know two things: 1. the top 5 thing is going around FB atm like crazy and 2. my ex-husband is still struggling with our separation. So, I'm gonna use the top 5 idea to honour Luke and make him realise I'm serious when I say I respect him. I want this new friendship of ours to work. :)

So here's my Top 5 First Ever Luke Moments: (in no particular order)

1. First ever Valentines Day present/celebration - so unexpected and so awesome!
2. First ever birthday celebration at 12.01am - the second the clock hit 1 minute past midnight last year, you were ready with a "happy birthday", a hug and presents. No one has ever cared enough before or been excited it was my birthday before... ever!... remember how in shock I was lol?
3. First ever REAL christmas present - that Angel doll, I'm so sorry I found it two days early. But the amount of thought you put into that gift and the amount of effort you went to to buy it... much much appreciated, not cos of the gift itself, but because of what it meant.
   (wow so far they're all gift related... how shallow!)
4. First ever normal birth - you were perfect when Alana was born, I couldn't have asked for a better support person. I was so stressed and you were so calm. You were so proud and happy she was a girl, and all I cared about at that point was that she was breathing on her own lol.
5. First ever song - even though my first husband was a musician, he never ever wrote me so much as one line. And yet last week Luke wrote and recorded a song about me. It doesn't change our relationship, but I appreciate and admire him for it. Very romantic and very beautiful.
   (see!!! not every gift has to be an actual money-costing gift! I'm not that shallow lol.)

I'm 34 ffs and no one has ever cared enough about me to do any of things ever before. You are an awesome man Luke, especially when you have that nasty depression under control. No one can ever take these memories away, and none of our more difficult times can ever destroy or lessen these memories either, and therefore I thank you for all the good times. I hope you understand that I 100% mean it when I say you are an amazing person and that I value you and appreciate you for the person you are. /hug

and now for the positives :)

Ok, not the positive personality traits, I'm a little too argh for that. It'd be way too short a blog lol. So this is more of a "everything thats good in life atm" blog. xD

I am thankful for...

• the Jo Hos:
  I wouldn't survive life and all its ups and downs without the girlies. Jo and Laura are awesomely supportive and seriously fun. From emergency hospital dashes to holding me hand during unpleasant, invasive procedures to picking kids up from school to dropping dinner off to supplying me with vodka when I ran out of time to get to the bottleshop to just about everything you can imagine. You guys rock.


• my online mates:
  I seriously spend way too much time online, but nothing beats an online D&M with someone who knows you really well and lets you get away with stupidity and QQness when you need to let it out. Frank, open, direct convos that cut to the bone... its great. What a support system!


• my family:
  Shocked? Atm, my parents and my siblings are being supportive and understanding. Weird as, but there you have it. And there's no passing my Nan who is quite simply the best, most loving, most supportive and most amazingly gutsy woman in the entire world. :D


• my two big kids:
  Laura is an extremely talented responsible young lady, albeit one with normal hormonal 13yr old girl tendencies lol. She's an awesome kid and I have no doubt she will be a confident, successful young woman one day. Zac... he's not as traditionally talented and not as responsible (lol)... but he has a heart of gold. He's very sensitive and very, very loving and compassionate to everyone, especially his baby brother and sister. While Laura talks of being a vet, Zac talks of being a dad one day... and therein lies all the differences!


• my two little kidlets:
  Ok, they drive me crazy often, thats a fact I'm not gonna sugar coat lol. They really really do. But considering the difficult pregnancies, the special care baby unit stays, and the succession of miscarriages I had before them... I feel so lucky and so blessed to have these two little healthy, full-of-beans, frustrating, demanding little devil spawn. Angels*. Noah is a very very active but very loving and very normal 2 year old boy, while Alana is the typical little sister trying to constantly outdo and outshine her big brother. Atm her temper tantrums are awesomely funny, but I'm sure the lols will subside as I try to work how to squash the behaviour lol. She'll even throw a tanty and try to pull Noah off his chair if she decides she wants to sit on that particular chair and not any of the other free ones. She's cute and still very little and babylike at 16mths, so all is forgiven... for now lol.


• my job:
  I'm only working on a casual basis atm, like 7 hours a week I think. But I forgot how much I enjoy working hands on with the school kids, so much fun. I actually like kids, its just my own that drive me batty. :)


• my relationship with Luke:
  Aside from needing to set boundaries so we dont keep accidentally hurting each other, we're doing really really well as friends and co-parents. Luke has really blossomed into fatherhood lately and its clear how well the kids are responding to him these days. I'm proud of him. He's still buying me flowers and presenting me with gifts (a heap of Dusk candles yesterday and the promise of some childfree time so I can have a relaxing bath, how awesome!), still offering massages and what not, still being really romantic and sweet, and still being extremely helpful around the house and with the kids. He needs to absolutely not spend money on me, thats really, really unnecessary, but at least he accepts that we're better off as friends and we're both moving on with that goal in mind. And yesterday's flowers, omg, I can smell them from here! They're beautiful! He is being really awesome atm and very, very understanding about where I'm at love-wise and self-wise. He has a beautiful soul and, having learnt from his mistakes, he will one day make an amazing husband for the right girl. We're gonna get friend tattoos sometime soon lol. Woot.


• PB:
  Not really sure what to say about Pete cos this issue is still in limbo I guess. He has been one of my best friends and the other half of my soul for a lot of years now. And for the first time ever, we're both single at the same time. We've admitted we still love each other and that the pull is still there, but we'll just take it slow and see how we go. There's a lot of past hurts, but theres also a lot of forgiveness and understanding. Omg theres a lot of kids too... the Brady Bunch without the secretly gay Dad... oh wait... nm. >.<


• my sense of self, my me'ness:
  I seem to have lost a lot of confidence, optimism and all round belief in my self in recent years. But fuck that, I'm back baby! I am irritating and obnoxious but I am also loyal and loving. And like I said in my previous post, if you don't like it, gtfo out of Jo'ville. :)

I am blessed. I am lucky. And I'm getting "me" back!!

me in me grundies... virtually speaking of course

Ok so I have flaws. Everyone does, so what if I have a few extra than most? So what if I have a few "unique" ones? When all is said and done, I'm the only one who truly has to live with me lol. So here I am, naked except for the the worst, oldest, most stretched nana grundies I own... cyber'ly speaking of course, sif I own nana nickers!...

I am...

• Word obsessed:
  I'm a word freak. I remember things in words, in the words I read, thought, said, saw. I dunno why words stick in my head so much, but they do, they just do. If someone says something important (or traumatising lol) on msn or in email or, heck, in a real letter, I can even still SEE those words in my head. I hear the voices saying phrases that uplifted me, or sentences that depressed me, over and over in my head, years later even. I dwell on words, I dunno why, I'm just a word freak I think.
• Negative:
  I've become a negative thought-thinking-type person. I guess that happened a few years ago, when my sense of self was turned upside down and inside out during a very difficult break-up. Not that it was a break-up per se, it was more of an immediate dumping. The difficulty was all emotional and all mine. Ahhh the sweet smell of rejection, its good for the soul... no wait, no its not, my mistake. All the things I thought I was, who I thought I was, was suddenly put into question. Suddenly I wasn't "good enough", suddenly I was "unattractive" and "beneath him", suddenly I was "shallow", suddenly all I was was a "party girl" with "no depth", suddenly I was a "bad mother" and a "useless wife", suddenly I had no "morals" and no "family values", suddenly I was "selfish", suddenly I was "evil" even (!! wtf!!), suddenly I was basically the opposite of everything I thought I was. I didn't become bitter, not really, I just became more wary, less trusting, and more realistic about my self and my flaws. I mean, really, previously I thought I was pretty darn perfect you know :D. So it was a bit of a shock to the system to discover I wasn't... lol. Point is, now I'm soooo realistic I'm actually cynical. And I don't like it. Bring back the ol' Jo I say! Optimism please!!
• Shallow:
  I hate my body. The hatred is a flaw and so is the post-baby body! 1. I've had 4 children and breastfed for approximately 6 years of my life. I used to have full perky well-rounded breasts. Used to... thats all I'm gonna say on the matter. Empty sacks of boob'ness = a definite flaw. QQ. 2. I have stretch marks. Same reason, grr. 3. I have loose belly skin that I dont think will ever be perfect again, more grr. 4. And I want to lose another 3 or 4kgs to reach a weight/size that I'm happy with. Yet more baby grr. It'd be ok if I had time to go to the gym and stuff, but I cant even sit on the exercise bike for longer than 30 secs without being child-harrassed!!
• Baggage'ful:
  I have too much baggage. Four kids, two ex-husbands, baggage baggage baggage. When I was having marital problems last year a friend of mine advised me to work harder at it, to give my husband and my marriage another chance, cos that relationship was probably my last chance... apparently if we got divorced I'd end up alone for a really long time (not that theres anything wrong with that mind you!!)... cos who'd want me when I come with so much baggage... nasty much? (theres that word memory thingy again lol)
• Moody:
  I get pms. Its a fact. Apologies in advance and for anything I've said or done in the past during that 2 days a month. I can normally tell its pms, but not until half way through the second day and by then its too late. Btw, that time is now. :)
• Strong n' tough:
  I have a problem with showing weakness and being vulnerable. I just dont like it. I dont like to depend on anyone and I get really embarrassed about admitting I need help. I'm tough and strong... or more to the point, I prefer people to believe that than see the truth, that sometimes I'm just needy and pathetic. I hate pathetic, hate it. Its such a struggle to admit to emotion, I dont know how normal people do it lol. Rationality ftw. :P
• Sleep deprived:
  I don't sleep much. Insomnia -> sleep deprivation -> cranky and low patience. QQ.
• A game addict:
  I play World of Warcraft and I happily admit to preferring online fake toon'y life than the stress of real life. I call this a flaw cos, well, it is lol.
• Windy:
  I eat liquorice... and thats a flaw cos it makes me pass wind. And liquorice farts are decidely unpleasant. :O
• Overly defensive:
  Apparently I'm overly defensive lol. Today for e.g... *deletes*. I guess it (negative stuff) hurts my self-pride, and pride is a flaw too. I gotta get my old confident self back, I really do. Lesson learned for today. :)
• Proud:
  As above. ;)
• Jealous:
  Another newbie flaw... I experience jealousy often. Jealous of this, jealous of that. Jealousy is a damn curse, and I dont like it. I think its a confidence / self-belief problem. Grr, I dont like it. Another thing to add to the fix list!!
• Stress'y:
  I seem to be stress'y lately, which doesn't fit with "me" either lol. Partly cos of the sleep deprivation, but mostly cos the toddlers stress me to the max. They're demanding, they fight a lot and they're in my face 24 7. They're so close in age - 14-15mths - they're almost twins. They act like twins ffs. Even before we separated, I was single parenting a lot... I'm so not a single-parenting-of-two-toddlers fan. Then theres the whole "loss of self" thing that happens when you have kidlets. I'm so over that too. I'm a person ffs and I have a right to shower on my own occasionally, to sit still for longer than 2mins without having someone sit on me or tug at me or demand things of me. My first two kids had better, safer, constant access to things like their sandpit, trampoline, space to ride their bikes, etc, but they were much calmer, played independently and their behaviour was public'worthy. These two... omg they feed off each other... taking them both shopping or "out" is a nightmare sometimes lol. Thank god I didn't really have twins... I'd be nuts!
• Irritating:
  I am annoying and irritating. I do things like talk during movies - I dont know how to shush. In fact, I dont stfu often. I just ramble and ramble, blah blah. I'm sure people turn off, but I just keep rambling. Maybe I'm too self-indulgent lol.
• Sarcastic:
  I have a very unusual sense of humour that is mostly based in sarcasm and negativity. I'm the first to poke fun at myself and /shrug about it. I deal with stress through humour... and I swear I made a Steve Irwin Stingray Joke within minutes of hearing that news. My bad. I include this as a flaw simply because most people actually don't "get it" lol. They think I'm either nasty or just plain weird. >.<
• Loyal:
  I am staunchly loyal. Not a flaw you say? It is when I expect others around me to be the same. Perfect loyalty... perfection is hard to live up to. I get easily depressed when this expectation fails, which it always does. I shouldnt judge people by the standards I set for myself, another lesson learned. :)
• A liar:
  I lie. I don't always tell the whole truth - little white lies ftl. Designed to make it easier for other people, but it always backfires. I'm so outspoken and upfront normally, so I dont know why I do this. Fear I guess. Which brings me to...
• Outspoken:
  I'm too outspoken and often end up putting my foot in my mouth. Often. Foot. Mouth. Often! Too many examples to list!
• High maintenance:
  I need constant attention and reassurance - another relatively new flaw. It makes my normal easy-going self suddenly become high-maintenance. I don't know how to rectify this, and I'm so sick of letting it stress me out. Confidence... where'd my belief in my self go? Sheesh.
• Grudge'y:
  I hold grudges. There I said it. I forgive, but I rarely forget. Sorry peeps, I think I've been this way since I was like 8. >.<
• Anti-social:
  I've become quite anti-social, which again is a relatively new thing. I was always active and social, lots of friends... which sorta backfired on me with my first divorce. Lots of fake friends it seems. I really only hang with two friends, the Jo Hos. I pretty much ignore everyone else. With the new separation, hopefully Luke will have the kids more and I'll have time to myself to actually "play adults" and go out and stuff. Heck, last week Laura and I went out for drinks and a movie. It was awesome... til Lana got sick of course lol. Ahh the independence!
• Un-me:
  I guess my biggest flaw atm is that I'm not myself. I need fixin'. The last 5 years... two babies, health issues, two relationships with two men who were both highly critical of me, loss of self-esteem (hmm wonder why lol)... I'm so over all that. Time to get me back. Woot for personal growth. From now on I am me on my terms, accept it or gtfo of Jo'ville. :)

talking to myself

So I'm feeling quite good lately, about my self and my life. And yesterday a friend summed my new attitude with....

"You know what I love?
That you can now be you.
I felt like you've been stifled from so long from being the amazing, outrageous, strong, gutsy and passionate personality you are."

That is an awesome thing to say - I wish I really was all those things lol - and I really appreciate it. Friends are wonderful assets, but true friends who know you and support you unconditionally are beyond awesome. :)