My life is pretty boring. The other day some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave. They finally snuck away when I went to make lemonade.
Marge Simpson
That pretty much sums it up lol. Tomorrow I'm gonna be a little different and do some gardening along with my housework, cooking, organising and chauffeuring. :)
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
grr argh
I am so fucking pissed at my fucking ex-husband. SSooooooo pissed.
I'm constantly covering his ass when the kids (13 and 10, so they dont miss much) say things to me like, why didn't Dad come to my birthday party, why won't Dad drive me to my sporting games (he wont even drive them to their sporting commitments, let alone watch a game, cos he doesn't want to "waste" his weekends and, last week, he told me he's too busy with his step-kids anyway :S), why won't Dad do this, why won't Dad do that, why why why... I'm constantly covering up the fact that he is a selfish fucking twat.... and THEN! My 10 yr old son informs me this morning that "poor Dad" can't be expected to pay half of his school camp this year, cos apparently I was so selfish I made him pay all of it last year, and hence its my turn this year. OMFG.
We have been separated/divorced for 4-5 yrs. For the first 3 to 4 years, yep FOUR, I did all the birthdays, easters, christmases, school camps, school fees, books, everything. He paid for and DID nothing. We share custody 50/50 but he somehow manages to avoid everything, go figure. So last year, he decides to parent - mainly cos I sorta force the issue - and he ended up having the kids on christmas day (which of course meant they had to "waste" their money buying them christmas presents :S... we'd already given them all their chrissie presents the week before) and he had to pay half of both school camps. From memory, he also contributed money to their school books at the beginning of last year (not this year mind you, but last year he chose to, weird).
Anyway, issue at hand... I paid half of Zac's school camp the day after the first camp note came home from school last year AND this year - I always do. So, even though I cover for his lazy selfish twat ass alllll the time, he outright lies to our son to make me look bad. And over money. Money. OMFG.
Why do people think money is the be all and end all? It just isn't.... I'd rather be broke and have a happy family than live like a fucking miser and be a fucking miserable lying asshole prick. xD
OMFG SO MUCH ANGER!
I'm constantly covering his ass when the kids (13 and 10, so they dont miss much) say things to me like, why didn't Dad come to my birthday party, why won't Dad drive me to my sporting games (he wont even drive them to their sporting commitments, let alone watch a game, cos he doesn't want to "waste" his weekends and, last week, he told me he's too busy with his step-kids anyway :S), why won't Dad do this, why won't Dad do that, why why why... I'm constantly covering up the fact that he is a selfish fucking twat.... and THEN! My 10 yr old son informs me this morning that "poor Dad" can't be expected to pay half of his school camp this year, cos apparently I was so selfish I made him pay all of it last year, and hence its my turn this year. OMFG.
We have been separated/divorced for 4-5 yrs. For the first 3 to 4 years, yep FOUR, I did all the birthdays, easters, christmases, school camps, school fees, books, everything. He paid for and DID nothing. We share custody 50/50 but he somehow manages to avoid everything, go figure. So last year, he decides to parent - mainly cos I sorta force the issue - and he ended up having the kids on christmas day (which of course meant they had to "waste" their money buying them christmas presents :S... we'd already given them all their chrissie presents the week before) and he had to pay half of both school camps. From memory, he also contributed money to their school books at the beginning of last year (not this year mind you, but last year he chose to, weird).
Anyway, issue at hand... I paid half of Zac's school camp the day after the first camp note came home from school last year AND this year - I always do. So, even though I cover for his lazy selfish twat ass alllll the time, he outright lies to our son to make me look bad. And over money. Money. OMFG.
Why do people think money is the be all and end all? It just isn't.... I'd rather be broke and have a happy family than live like a fucking miser and be a fucking miserable lying asshole prick. xD
OMFG SO MUCH ANGER!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
another top 5
My current top 5 fav songs... :)
- Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun.
I love the 80s'ness of this band. Much fun!
This line sums up all my optimism atm: "I'm in awe of whats in front of me" - Fuck You by Lily Allen.
I love her nice-girl melodies, and the way the niceness of the sound contrasts with the mostly in-your-face lyrics.
My fav line: "fuck you, fuck you very very much" - Total Eclipse of the Heart by the Dan Band.
Funny funny. I love the unexpected use of swear words lol.
Too many favourite lines: "I see the fucking look in your eye" "Fucking every now and then I fall apart" "I fucking need you more than ever" xD - Gives you Hell by The All-American Rejects.
I love the nasty revenge side of this love gone wrong song lol. And I really like the grungey'ness and, well, just the whole song lol.
Fav line: "If truth be told I miss you, if truth be told I'm lying!" Anger much? Lmao. - Single Ladies by Beyonce.
Not my normal type of song. But it has an awesome video clip... who the, how the... I think the Jo Hos should learn those dance steps lol. Plus the message is both lol'worthy and lesson'worthy for women imo. :)
Fav line: "all the single ladies, all the single ladies... put your hands up"
top 5 Luke'isms
Ok ok we all know two things: 1. the top 5 thing is going around FB atm like crazy and 2. my ex-husband is still struggling with our separation. So, I'm gonna use the top 5 idea to honour Luke and make him realise I'm serious when I say I respect him. I want this new friendship of ours to work. :)
So here's my Top 5 First Ever Luke Moments: (in no particular order)
So here's my Top 5 First Ever Luke Moments: (in no particular order)
- First ever Valentines Day present/celebration - so unexpected and so awesome!
- First ever birthday celebration at 12.01am - the second the clock hit 1 minute past midnight last year, you were ready with a "happy birthday", a hug and presents. No one has ever cared enough before or been excited it was my birthday before... ever!... remember how in shock I was lol?
- First ever REAL christmas present - that Angel doll, I'm so sorry I found it two days early. But the amount of thought you put into that gift and the amount of effort you went to to buy it... much much appreciated, not cos of the gift itself, but because of what it meant.
(wow so far they're all gift related... how shallow!) - First ever normal birth - you were perfect when Alana was born, I couldn't have asked for a better support person. I was so stressed and you were so calm. You were so proud and happy she was a girl, and all I cared about at that point was that she was breathing on her own lol.
- First ever song - even though my first husband was a musician, he never ever wrote me so much as one line. And yet last week Luke wrote and recorded a song about me. It doesn't change our relationship, but I appreciate and admire him for it. Very romantic and very beautiful.
(see!!! not every gift has to be an actual money-costing gift! I'm not that shallow lol.)
Friday, March 20, 2009
and now for the positives :)
Ok, not the positive personality traits, I'm a little too argh for that. It'd be way too short a blog lol. So this is more of a "everything thats good in life atm" blog. xD
I am thankful for...
I am thankful for...
- the Jo Hos:
I wouldn't survive life and all its ups and downs without the girlies. Jo and Laura are awesomely supportive and seriously fun. From emergency hospital dashes to holding me hand during unpleasant, invasive procedures to picking kids up from school to dropping dinner off to supplying me with vodka when I ran out of time to get to the bottleshop to just about everything you can imagine. You guys rock. - my online mates:
I seriously spend way too much time online, but nothing beats an online D&M with someone who knows you really well and lets you get away with stupidity and QQness when you need to let it out. Frank, open, direct convos that cut to the bone... its great. What a support system! - my family:
Shocked? Atm, my parents and my siblings are being supportive and understanding. Weird as, but there you have it. And there's no passing my Nan who is quite simply the best, most loving, most supportive and most amazingly gutsy woman in the entire world. :D - my two big kids:
Laura is an extremely talented responsible young lady, albeit one with normal hormonal 13yr old girl tendencies lol. She's an awesome kid and I have no doubt she will be a confident, successful young woman one day. Zac... he's not as traditionally talented and not as responsible (lol)... but he has a heart of gold. He's very sensitive and very, very loving and compassionate to everyone, especially his baby brother and sister. While Laura talks of being a vet, Zac talks of being a dad one day... and therein lies all the differences! - my two little kidlets:
Ok, they drive me crazy often, thats a fact I'm not gonna sugar coat lol. They really really do. But considering the difficult pregnancies, the special care baby unit stays, and the succession of miscarriages I had before them... I feel so lucky and so blessed to have these two little healthy, full-of-beans, frustrating, demanding little devil spawn. Angels*. Noah is a very very active but very loving and very normal 2 year old boy, while Alana is the typical little sister trying to constantly outdo and outshine her big brother. Atm her temper tantrums are awesomely funny, but I'm sure the lols will subside as I try to work how to squash the behaviour lol. She'll even throw a tanty and try to pull Noah off his chair if she decides she wants to sit on that particular chair and not any of the other free ones. She's cute and still very little and babylike at 16mths, so all is forgiven... for now lol. - my job:
I'm only working on a casual basis atm, like 7 hours a week I think. But I forgot how much I enjoy working hands on with the school kids, so much fun. I actually like kids, its just my own that drive me batty. :) - my relationship with Luke:
Aside from needing to set boundaries so we dont keep accidentally hurting each other, we're doing really really well as friends and co-parents. Luke has really blossomed into fatherhood lately and its clear how well the kids are responding to him these days. I'm proud of him. He's still buying me flowers and presenting me with gifts (a heap of Dusk candles yesterday and the promise of some childfree time so I can have a relaxing bath, how awesome!), still offering massages and what not, still being really romantic and sweet, and still being extremely helpful around the house and with the kids. He needs to absolutely not spend money on me, thats really, really unnecessary, but at least he accepts that we're better off as friends and we're both moving on with that goal in mind. And yesterday's flowers, omg, I can smell them from here! They're beautiful! He is being really awesome atm and very, very understanding about where I'm at love-wise and self-wise. He has a beautiful soul and, having learnt from his mistakes, he will one day make an amazing husband for the right girl. We're gonna get friend tattoos sometime soon lol. Woot. - PB:
Not really sure what to say about Pete cos this issue is still in limbo I guess. He has been one of my best friends and the other half of my soul for a lot of years now. And for the first time ever, we're both single at the same time. We've admitted we still love each other and that the pull is still there, but we'll just take it slow and see how we go. There's a lot of past hurts, but theres also a lot of forgiveness and understanding. Omg theres a lot of kids too... the Brady Bunch without the secretly gay Dad... oh wait... nm. >.< - my sense of self, my me'ness:
I seem to have lost a lot of confidence, optimism and all round belief in my self in recent years. But fuck that, I'm back baby! I am irritating and obnoxious but I am also loyal and loving. And like I said in my previous post, if you don't like it, gtfo out of Jo'ville. :)
I am blessed. I am lucky. And I'm getting "me" back!!
me in me grundies... virtually speaking of course
Ok so I have flaws. Everyone does, so what if I have a few extra than most? So what if I have a few "unique" ones? When all is said and done, I'm the only one who truly has to live with me lol. So here I am, naked except for the the worst, oldest, most stretched nana grundies I own... cyber'ly speaking of course, sif I own nana nickers!...
I am...
I am...
- Word obsessed:
I'm a word freak. I remember things in words, in the words I read, thought, said, saw. I dunno why words stick in my head so much, but they do, they just do. If someone says something important (or traumatising lol) on msn or in email or, heck, in a real letter, I can even still SEE those words in my head. I hear the voices saying phrases that uplifted me, or sentences that depressed me, over and over in my head, years later even. I dwell on words, I dunno why, I'm just a word freak I think. - Negative:
I've become a negative thought-thinking-type person. I guess that happened a few years ago, when my sense of self was turned upside down and inside out during a very difficult break-up. Not that it was a break-up per se, it was more of an immediate dumping. The difficulty was all emotional and all mine. Ahhh the sweet smell of rejection, its good for the soul... no wait, no its not, my mistake. All the things I thought I was, who I thought I was, was suddenly put into question. Suddenly I wasn't "good enough", suddenly I was "unattractive" and "beneath him", suddenly I was "shallow", suddenly all I was was a "party girl" with "no depth", suddenly I was a "bad mother" and a "useless wife", suddenly I had no "morals" and no "family values", suddenly I was "selfish", suddenly I was "evil" even (!! wtf!!), suddenly I was basically the opposite of everything I thought I was. I didn't become bitter, not really, I just became more wary, less trusting, and more realistic about my self and my flaws. I mean, really, previously I thought I was pretty darn perfect you know :D. So it was a bit of a shock to the system to discover I wasn't... lol. Point is, now I'm soooo realistic I'm actually cynical. And I don't like it. Bring back the ol' Jo I say! Optimism please!! - Shallow:
I hate my body. The hatred is a flaw and so is the post-baby body! 1. I've had 4 children and breastfed for approximately 6 years of my life. I used to have full perky well-rounded breasts. Used to... thats all I'm gonna say on the matter. Empty sacks of boob'ness = a definite flaw. QQ. 2. I have stretch marks. Same reason, grr. 3. I have loose belly skin that I dont think will ever be perfect again, more grr. 4. And I want to lose another 3 or 4kgs to reach a weight/size that I'm happy with. Yet more baby grr. It'd be ok if I had time to go to the gym and stuff, but I cant even sit on the exercise bike for longer than 30 secs without being child-harrassed!! - Baggage'ful:
I have too much baggage. Four kids, two ex-husbands, baggage baggage baggage. When I was having marital problems last year a friend of mine advised me to work harder at it, to give my husband and my marriage another chance, cos that relationship was probably my last chance... apparently if we got divorced I'd end up alone for a really long time (not that theres anything wrong with that mind you!!)... cos who'd want me when I come with so much baggage... nasty much? (theres that word memory thingy again lol) - Moody:
I get pms. Its a fact. Apologies in advance and for anything I've said or done in the past during that 2 days a month. I can normally tell its pms, but not until half way through the second day and by then its too late. Btw, that time is now. :) - Strong n' tough:
I have a problem with showing weakness and being vulnerable. I just dont like it. I dont like to depend on anyone and I get really embarrassed about admitting I need help. I'm tough and strong... or more to the point, I prefer people to believe that than see the truth, that sometimes I'm just needy and pathetic. I hate pathetic, hate it. Its such a struggle to admit to emotion, I dont know how normal people do it lol. Rationality ftw. :P - Sleep deprived:
I don't sleep much. Insomnia -> sleep deprivation -> cranky and low patience. QQ. - A game addict:
I play World of Warcraft and I happily admit to preferring online fake toon'y life than the stress of real life. I call this a flaw cos, well, it is lol. - Windy:
I eat liquorice... and thats a flaw cos it makes me pass wind. And liquorice farts are decidely unpleasant. :O - Overly defensive:
Apparently I'm overly defensive lol. Today for e.g... *deletes*. I guess it (negative stuff) hurts my self-pride, and pride is a flaw too. I gotta get my old confident self back, I really do. Lesson learned for today. :) - Proud:
As above. ;) - Jealous:
Another newbie flaw... I experience jealousy often. Jealous of this, jealous of that. Jealousy is a damn curse, and I dont like it. I think its a confidence / self-belief problem. Grr, I dont like it. Another thing to add to the fix list!! - Stress'y:
I seem to be stress'y lately, which doesn't fit with "me" either lol. Partly cos of the sleep deprivation, but mostly cos the toddlers stress me to the max. They're demanding, they fight a lot and they're in my face 24 7. They're so close in age - 14-15mths - they're almost twins. They act like twins ffs. Even before we separated, I was single parenting a lot... I'm so not a single-parenting-of-two-toddlers fan. Then theres the whole "loss of self" thing that happens when you have kidlets. I'm so over that too. I'm a person ffs and I have a right to shower on my own occasionally, to sit still for longer than 2mins without having someone sit on me or tug at me or demand things of me. My first two kids had better, safer, constant access to things like their sandpit, trampoline, space to ride their bikes, etc, but they were much calmer, played independently and their behaviour was public'worthy. These two... omg they feed off each other... taking them both shopping or "out" is a nightmare sometimes lol. Thank god I didn't really have twins... I'd be nuts! - Irritating:
I am annoying and irritating. I do things like talk during movies - I dont know how to shush. In fact, I dont stfu often. I just ramble and ramble, blah blah. I'm sure people turn off, but I just keep rambling. Maybe I'm too self-indulgent lol. - Sarcastic:
I have a very unusual sense of humour that is mostly based in sarcasm and negativity. I'm the first to poke fun at myself and /shrug about it. I deal with stress through humour... and I swear I made a Steve Irwin Stingray Joke within minutes of hearing that news. My bad. I include this as a flaw simply because most people actually don't "get it" lol. They think I'm either nasty or just plain weird. >.< - Loyal:
I am staunchly loyal. Not a flaw you say? It is when I expect others around me to be the same. Perfect loyalty... perfection is hard to live up to. I get easily depressed when this expectation fails, which it always does. I shouldnt judge people by the standards I set for myself, another lesson learned. :) - A liar:
I lie. I don't always tell the whole truth - little white lies ftl. Designed to make it easier for other people, but it always backfires. I'm so outspoken and upfront normally, so I dont know why I do this. Fear I guess. Which brings me to... - Outspoken:
I'm too outspoken and often end up putting my foot in my mouth. Often. Foot. Mouth. Often! Too many examples to list! - High maintenance:
I need constant attention and reassurance - another relatively new flaw. It makes my normal easy-going self suddenly become high-maintenance. I don't know how to rectify this, and I'm so sick of letting it stress me out. Confidence... where'd my belief in my self go? Sheesh. - Grudge'y:
I hold grudges. There I said it. I forgive, but I rarely forget. Sorry peeps, I think I've been this way since I was like 8. >.< - Anti-social:
I've become quite anti-social, which again is a relatively new thing. I was always active and social, lots of friends... which sorta backfired on me with my first divorce. Lots of fake friends it seems. I really only hang with two friends, the Jo Hos. I pretty much ignore everyone else. With the new separation, hopefully Luke will have the kids more and I'll have time to myself to actually "play adults" and go out and stuff. Heck, last week Laura and I went out for drinks and a movie. It was awesome... til Lana got sick of course lol. Ahh the independence! - Un-me:
I guess my biggest flaw atm is that I'm not myself. I need fixin'. The last 5 years... two babies, health issues, two relationships with two men who were both highly critical of me, loss of self-esteem (hmm wonder why lol)... I'm so over all that. Time to get me back. Woot for personal growth. From now on I am me on my terms, accept it or gtfo of Jo'ville. :)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
talking to myself
So I'm feeling quite good lately, about my self and my life. And yesterday a friend summed my new attitude with....
"You know what I love?
That you can now be you.
I felt like you've been stifled from so long from being the amazing, outrageous, strong, gutsy and passionate personality you are."
That is an awesome thing to say - I wish I really was all those things lol - and I really appreciate it. Friends are wonderful assets, but true friends who know you and support you unconditionally are beyond awesome. :)
"You know what I love?
That you can now be you.
I felt like you've been stifled from so long from being the amazing, outrageous, strong, gutsy and passionate personality you are."
That is an awesome thing to say - I wish I really was all those things lol - and I really appreciate it. Friends are wonderful assets, but true friends who know you and support you unconditionally are beyond awesome. :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Hmm, I can't think of the word "cruise" without thinking of the word "vodka". Alcoholic much?
My husband is struggling emotionally with our separation, and I feel awful for his pain even though I know in my heart and my mind that this is the right thing for both of us. I wish there was something I could do, something I could say to him that would help, but there isn't. :(
But, that said...
Yesterday he very nicely asked me how *I* was coping with everything, and then something happened with the kids and we never finished the convo. Fortunately for me. I can't lie to him but I would have felt awful saying the blunt truth. Fact is, I feel good. I feel relieved and at peace in myself. The kids have been really good (as good as toddlers can get!), and I think that's because I'm not stressing and therefore they're not reacting to the tension. I just feel... good.
I've been talking more to friends and family too, which is a nice change. I even had a nice, unexpected phone call the other night from a friend who I only ever talk to online. It was weird and surreal and somewhat awkward to go from text to audio, but I appreciated the care and concern. To be honest, I could have been more chatty and made it easier on him, but I was too busy quietly loling about his bumbling, nervous phone manner lol. My bad. :)
So to answer the question Luke posed, I guess I'm feeling pretty cruisey atm.
Oh, except for my hair (yep I'm shallow). I went to the hairdresser last week and for some reason she thinks "1 inch max" means "sure, cut 3 inches off, who cares!". Argh. QQ. Here's a cropped pic of the back of my head that Noah took yesterday when he was walking down the stairs (he's camera crazy).
But, that said...
Yesterday he very nicely asked me how *I* was coping with everything, and then something happened with the kids and we never finished the convo. Fortunately for me. I can't lie to him but I would have felt awful saying the blunt truth. Fact is, I feel good. I feel relieved and at peace in myself. The kids have been really good (as good as toddlers can get!), and I think that's because I'm not stressing and therefore they're not reacting to the tension. I just feel... good.
I've been talking more to friends and family too, which is a nice change. I even had a nice, unexpected phone call the other night from a friend who I only ever talk to online. It was weird and surreal and somewhat awkward to go from text to audio, but I appreciated the care and concern. To be honest, I could have been more chatty and made it easier on him, but I was too busy quietly loling about his bumbling, nervous phone manner lol. My bad. :)
So to answer the question Luke posed, I guess I'm feeling pretty cruisey atm.
Oh, except for my hair (yep I'm shallow). I went to the hairdresser last week and for some reason she thinks "1 inch max" means "sure, cut 3 inches off, who cares!". Argh. QQ. Here's a cropped pic of the back of my head that Noah took yesterday when he was walking down the stairs (he's camera crazy).
See! Look! Its soo short! Wtb speedy hair growth!
Friday, March 6, 2009
I am Me
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.
I own everything about me, my body, me feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes because I own all of me. I can become intimately acquainted with me in all my parts.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know, but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
"My declaration of self-esteem" by Virginia Satir
I own everything about me, my body, me feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes because I own all of me. I can become intimately acquainted with me in all my parts.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know, but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
"My declaration of self-esteem" by Virginia Satir
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Almost four years ago now I was fortunate enough to meet an awesome young man called Luke. He is sensitive and caring and moral and, when he lets people in instead of pushing them away, he's a wonderful friend. We've been through so many ups and downs, and he came into my life at a time when I really needed the unconditional love he was offering, and I thank him for that. He was easy to love, he is easy to love, and I will always care about him as the father of my children, and as a person in his own right.
I feel lucky. Lucky and blessed. Lucky to have shared so many good memories, including two difficult pregnancies and two births. Lucky to have shared so many quiet moments, and so many loud fun moments.
But Luke and I... we never made the conscious choice to be together. And we were fraught with issues from the start. We had issues with commitment, respect, loyalty, anger, abusiveness, cheating, and worst of all, communication.
Since January, we've been fake-happy. Lukes been making a massive effort to get on top of depression, get his life together. And I'm so very proud of him, which just made what I had to do - HAD to do - even worse. For a relationship to thrive, love has to be nurtured. And we haven't done that. The put downs, the constant instability of "I dont think I love you", the stress of everything from money to kids to life... it just broke down my heart over time. And my sense of self. Then came that abusive, nasty argument at the start of this year. I just became numb. But I wanted my family, and Luke was getting himself together, and I care about him, and I was proud of him... I could ramble on and on, but the point is... I can't deny it to myself or Luke anymore. I'm just "done". I don't have anything left, its too little too late for me. I just KNOW in my heart, in my mind, and in my very soul, that this relationship isn't healthy for me, Luke, or the children. I just know it.
I love my family and I treasure the good times we've shared together, and I feel blessed to have these beautiful (if frustrating, omg toddlers are frustrating!) children. Luke, I know that you've admitted you weren't happy, that you didn't feel "happy" in any sense, on the day we got married. But I did. I thought we could do it, I absolutely thought we could. And the day Alana was born... that was one of the best moments for me. You were perfect and the entire day (pain aside of course) was awesome. I will always, always treasure the good times. And I will never regret our relationship, despite all the pain, despite all the upsets. I think, given time, you and I would make an awesome parenting pair, and I pray you can forgive me enough for that to happen.
From The Notebook... "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever." That is my version of love, and its real. I've been there before and lost it. And in retrospect Luke, I dont think we've ever had that. Awakens the soul? No, I feel the opposite, I don't even recognise my "self" anymore. And peace to the mind? No, just no. I loved you, but this soulmate type connection, we've never had it. Its not something you can force yourself to feel or unfeel for that matter. You know when somethings right, and you know when something isn't. And I'm so sorry Luke, I'm so sorry.
This is not your fault, a relationship takes two. And I failed you as much as you failed me. I only hope that you can forgive me sooner rather than later. I hate that I've hurt you so much. The last few days have been amongst some of the hardest and most difficult of my life. I'm so very sorry.
I feel lucky. Lucky and blessed. Lucky to have shared so many good memories, including two difficult pregnancies and two births. Lucky to have shared so many quiet moments, and so many loud fun moments.
But Luke and I... we never made the conscious choice to be together. And we were fraught with issues from the start. We had issues with commitment, respect, loyalty, anger, abusiveness, cheating, and worst of all, communication.
Since January, we've been fake-happy. Lukes been making a massive effort to get on top of depression, get his life together. And I'm so very proud of him, which just made what I had to do - HAD to do - even worse. For a relationship to thrive, love has to be nurtured. And we haven't done that. The put downs, the constant instability of "I dont think I love you", the stress of everything from money to kids to life... it just broke down my heart over time. And my sense of self. Then came that abusive, nasty argument at the start of this year. I just became numb. But I wanted my family, and Luke was getting himself together, and I care about him, and I was proud of him... I could ramble on and on, but the point is... I can't deny it to myself or Luke anymore. I'm just "done". I don't have anything left, its too little too late for me. I just KNOW in my heart, in my mind, and in my very soul, that this relationship isn't healthy for me, Luke, or the children. I just know it.
I love my family and I treasure the good times we've shared together, and I feel blessed to have these beautiful (if frustrating, omg toddlers are frustrating!) children. Luke, I know that you've admitted you weren't happy, that you didn't feel "happy" in any sense, on the day we got married. But I did. I thought we could do it, I absolutely thought we could. And the day Alana was born... that was one of the best moments for me. You were perfect and the entire day (pain aside of course) was awesome. I will always, always treasure the good times. And I will never regret our relationship, despite all the pain, despite all the upsets. I think, given time, you and I would make an awesome parenting pair, and I pray you can forgive me enough for that to happen.
From The Notebook... "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever." That is my version of love, and its real. I've been there before and lost it. And in retrospect Luke, I dont think we've ever had that. Awakens the soul? No, I feel the opposite, I don't even recognise my "self" anymore. And peace to the mind? No, just no. I loved you, but this soulmate type connection, we've never had it. Its not something you can force yourself to feel or unfeel for that matter. You know when somethings right, and you know when something isn't. And I'm so sorry Luke, I'm so sorry.
This is not your fault, a relationship takes two. And I failed you as much as you failed me. I only hope that you can forgive me sooner rather than later. I hate that I've hurt you so much. The last few days have been amongst some of the hardest and most difficult of my life. I'm so very sorry.
So I was vaguely talking about the possibility of getting a new piercing when...
I very nearly choked on a grape this morning when my 13 yr old prudish daughter (who doesn't even have her ears pierced cos of the pain factor) said she'd like to come get a body piercing with me. As in, the two of us, together, both getting a piercing... with a needle... a piercing... in her navel. Omg. Somehow she thinks a belly button piercing is ok, but still refuses to get her ears pierced the normal way? Whats with that? Wheres the logic there?
After picking my jaw up off the floor, I immediately said, "Yeah sure! I'll make the appointment!" It's really hard to corrupt her, she's such a goody-two-shoes. >.<
So it looks like I'm re-piercing next week, woot.
Except I hear re-piercing through scar tissue hurts like fuck, non-woot.
After picking my jaw up off the floor, I immediately said, "Yeah sure! I'll make the appointment!" It's really hard to corrupt her, she's such a goody-two-shoes. >.<
So it looks like I'm re-piercing next week, woot.
Except I hear re-piercing through scar tissue hurts like fuck, non-woot.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Its not me its you
I am currently obsessed with Lily Allen. Her new album is awesome... the same unique melodies and very real, funny lyrics.
With lines like, "fuck you, fuck you very very much" and "I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds", she's my new idol.
She's touring in June. /marks it on the calendar
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Eek...
Ok, all about me, kgo.
The addiction:
My nic is Eek, I'm a WoW addict, and its been 30mins since my last log in. Btw thats World of Warcraft for those nubs who exist in a non-gaming vacuum. I have a level 80 gnome warlock and draenei mage, two other 70+ toons I'm still levelling, and quite a few alts. I'm a profession whore, plus I get bored easily lol. I love my toons and I've made some awesome friends in the game, but with the latest expansion and all, well... I'm just a little off WoW atm. Only logging in to say hi to people and do my rep dailies. Its a break without having an actual break lol. But there you have it... I'm a self-confessed WoW junkie.
The kiddos:
I have four kids (yes this popped into my mind AFTER WoW, my bad). Two kids from my first marriage, a daughter who is 13 going on 25 every day and a son who is 10 going on 5 some days. They're good, stable kids (coincidentally they both play WoW!) and I have a good relationship with my ex husband. That said, his lazy slobby influence on them is starting to really get on my nerve. Pick up your own shit ffs!! Things they used to do when they were little are now apparently really difficult to remember because they don't have to do it "at Dad's house". Drives me batty to constantly say things like... have you made your bed, wheres your lunchbox, is that your wet towel on the floor... arrrgh. /rage
*gets back on track*
I also have two kids from my second marriage, a 2yr old boy and 1 yr old girl. Yes they're very close together in age. And yes they actually ARE driving me loony. Right at this moment in fact, argh. Two toddlers, two sets of tantrums, two willpowers, two sets of everything. They're beautiful and I love them, dont get me wrong. But some days they really are devil incarnate.
Truth is, the kids drive me barmy but I feel blessed. Their unique, individual, sometimes stubborn and sometimes irritating personalities are all their own, and I'm glad to have the chance to watch them develop into the people they have the potential to be. I don't love them as extensions of me because thats not what they are (even though my eldest is soooo like me I can't stand it!), I love and respect them for their individuality.
I feel blessed, I am blessed, and sometimes I just have to stress less about the everyday bullshit and remind myself of this fact ->
Even when they dont all fit in my car at once cos the baby seats are too wide and I have to drive the old shit big car with no air con or CD player... I am blessed.
Even when we end up an hour late for school in the morning cos daughter #1 is all teenage girl moody and having some sort of issue, son #1 somehow can't find a shoe, son #2 needs to wee then poo then wee again (he's toilet training lol), and daughter #2 vomits yoghurt everywhere the second she gets strapped into the car seat... I am blessed.
Even on the nights I get no sleep at all cos the toddlers are team tagging the wake-up-and-cry-about-something-that-I-can't-work-out, and I find myself still awake at 4.30am waiting for them both to be asleep at the same time... I am blessed.
Even when my overly accomplished teenage daughter who plays 3 musical instruments, sings, is an awesome awesome artist, excels academically and is brilliant at every sport she plays suddenly "can't" do a simple task because its too "hard"... you know, like work the can opener... I am blessed.
Even when I'm awakened with an unexpected and painful poke to the eye by the baby of the family... I am blessed.
Well maybe not the last one lol.
The friends:
I have an awesome online community including one of my best buds who listens to my shit, puts up with my moods and occasional nastiness, and somehow has yet to run away and hide (ahh the old block technique, we've all done it!). Unconditional love and acceptance is an awesome thing to have.
I have a collection of WoW friends who also listen to my shit, but have the added advantage of healing me or tanking for me at the same time. And you can't beat that! Go WoW. I've met some really cool wowers, and I consider them my almost-but-not-quite-rl-friends. :)
I have a bunch of distant long-term rl friends who I rely on and dont visit nearly often enough. I said I'd rectify that this year, and I still haven't made enough effort. Sigh. I will, I will!
And I'm fortunate enough to run with the Jo Hos... my cuz Jo (and yes loony runs in the family) and the bestest, nicest, most deserving girl I've ever known, the Ho aka Laura. So we have the two Jo's... my cuz and I... our parents obviously weren't too creative... and even though she's the exact opposite of ho'ness, we have Laura. Its an unfair nickname, but meh, it rhymes and sounds funny. Besides, everyone who knows Laura loves her, so we have to even out the balance somehow!
The husband:
He's not perfect, I'm not perfect (well I am a bit...), our relationship isn't perfect. We've had our ups and downs. Our marriage is good atm, but theres always a but. Even the words I love you come with an unspoken but. But... note the irony lol... but he's a young man with a great heart (at this point its fair to mention that he's 11 years younger than me lol, just turned 24 :P). He's sensitive and has a strong set of values and morals, unlike most men might I add. He has so much potential to achieve so much, he just needs to believe in himself and get motivated. And I'm proud that he's making huge advances with that this year. I want him to be the role model our children need, and I know he can do it. Check out his new weight loss blog - http://fatmanintightywhities.blogspot.com/
The past:
Obviously everything that happens to us over time makes us who we are. Well, doh. I have pretty much no regrets, cos I wouldnt change my life atm even if I could time travel.
Here's a list of life events, the good and the bad, the things that make me who I am (in rough chronological order): second of 4 children, large extended family, awesome awesome grandparents who are fortunately still with us :), physical and verbal abuse in the home, child sexual abuse, lots and lots of sport, school dux cos I'm so brilliant woot! (yes I coughed out loud when I typed that lol - brill-cough-ant), moved out of home at 17, parents got divorced a year later, honours degree in pyschology, fell pregnant, got married (yep thats the order lol), had the most awesome in-laws ever, baby #2, had an awesome job that I still miss, endured a series of miscarriages over a 3 year period, watched my beloved father-in-law die from cancer (much QQ), I cheated, got divorced, fell in love, had my heart broken into a million unfixable pieces, met my husband to be, fell pregnant, got married (am I the only person seeing a pattern here?? ), baby #4, and so on.
Thats pretty much my life in a nutshell. Apart from the fact that I am more fertile than a damn rabbit, I'm a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am not a victim of anything or anyone, I am simply a survivor of shit. I am woman, hear me roar. I iz l33t! (translation for the nongamers: I am elite)
The addiction:
My nic is Eek, I'm a WoW addict, and its been 30mins since my last log in. Btw thats World of Warcraft for those nubs who exist in a non-gaming vacuum. I have a level 80 gnome warlock and draenei mage, two other 70+ toons I'm still levelling, and quite a few alts. I'm a profession whore, plus I get bored easily lol. I love my toons and I've made some awesome friends in the game, but with the latest expansion and all, well... I'm just a little off WoW atm. Only logging in to say hi to people and do my rep dailies. Its a break without having an actual break lol. But there you have it... I'm a self-confessed WoW junkie.
The kiddos:
I have four kids (yes this popped into my mind AFTER WoW, my bad). Two kids from my first marriage, a daughter who is 13 going on 25 every day and a son who is 10 going on 5 some days. They're good, stable kids (coincidentally they both play WoW!) and I have a good relationship with my ex husband. That said, his lazy slobby influence on them is starting to really get on my nerve. Pick up your own shit ffs!! Things they used to do when they were little are now apparently really difficult to remember because they don't have to do it "at Dad's house". Drives me batty to constantly say things like... have you made your bed, wheres your lunchbox, is that your wet towel on the floor... arrrgh. /rage
*gets back on track*
I also have two kids from my second marriage, a 2yr old boy and 1 yr old girl. Yes they're very close together in age. And yes they actually ARE driving me loony. Right at this moment in fact, argh. Two toddlers, two sets of tantrums, two willpowers, two sets of everything. They're beautiful and I love them, dont get me wrong. But some days they really are devil incarnate.
Truth is, the kids drive me barmy but I feel blessed. Their unique, individual, sometimes stubborn and sometimes irritating personalities are all their own, and I'm glad to have the chance to watch them develop into the people they have the potential to be. I don't love them as extensions of me because thats not what they are (even though my eldest is soooo like me I can't stand it!), I love and respect them for their individuality.
I feel blessed, I am blessed, and sometimes I just have to stress less about the everyday bullshit and remind myself of this fact ->
Even when they dont all fit in my car at once cos the baby seats are too wide and I have to drive the old shit big car with no air con or CD player... I am blessed.
Even when we end up an hour late for school in the morning cos daughter #1 is all teenage girl moody and having some sort of issue, son #1 somehow can't find a shoe, son #2 needs to wee then poo then wee again (he's toilet training lol), and daughter #2 vomits yoghurt everywhere the second she gets strapped into the car seat... I am blessed.
Even on the nights I get no sleep at all cos the toddlers are team tagging the wake-up-and-cry-about-something-that-I-can't-work-out, and I find myself still awake at 4.30am waiting for them both to be asleep at the same time... I am blessed.
Even when my overly accomplished teenage daughter who plays 3 musical instruments, sings, is an awesome awesome artist, excels academically and is brilliant at every sport she plays suddenly "can't" do a simple task because its too "hard"... you know, like work the can opener... I am blessed.
Even when I'm awakened with an unexpected and painful poke to the eye by the baby of the family... I am blessed.
Well maybe not the last one lol.
The friends:
I have an awesome online community including one of my best buds who listens to my shit, puts up with my moods and occasional nastiness, and somehow has yet to run away and hide (ahh the old block technique, we've all done it!). Unconditional love and acceptance is an awesome thing to have.
I have a collection of WoW friends who also listen to my shit, but have the added advantage of healing me or tanking for me at the same time. And you can't beat that! Go WoW. I've met some really cool wowers, and I consider them my almost-but-not-quite-rl-friends. :)
I have a bunch of distant long-term rl friends who I rely on and dont visit nearly often enough. I said I'd rectify that this year, and I still haven't made enough effort. Sigh. I will, I will!
And I'm fortunate enough to run with the Jo Hos... my cuz Jo (and yes loony runs in the family) and the bestest, nicest, most deserving girl I've ever known, the Ho aka Laura. So we have the two Jo's... my cuz and I... our parents obviously weren't too creative... and even though she's the exact opposite of ho'ness, we have Laura. Its an unfair nickname, but meh, it rhymes and sounds funny. Besides, everyone who knows Laura loves her, so we have to even out the balance somehow!
The husband:
He's not perfect, I'm not perfect (well I am a bit...), our relationship isn't perfect. We've had our ups and downs. Our marriage is good atm, but theres always a but. Even the words I love you come with an unspoken but. But... note the irony lol... but he's a young man with a great heart (at this point its fair to mention that he's 11 years younger than me lol, just turned 24 :P). He's sensitive and has a strong set of values and morals, unlike most men might I add. He has so much potential to achieve so much, he just needs to believe in himself and get motivated. And I'm proud that he's making huge advances with that this year. I want him to be the role model our children need, and I know he can do it. Check out his new weight loss blog - http://fatmanintightywhities.blogspot.com/
The past:
Obviously everything that happens to us over time makes us who we are. Well, doh. I have pretty much no regrets, cos I wouldnt change my life atm even if I could time travel.
Here's a list of life events, the good and the bad, the things that make me who I am (in rough chronological order): second of 4 children, large extended family, awesome awesome grandparents who are fortunately still with us :), physical and verbal abuse in the home, child sexual abuse, lots and lots of sport, school dux cos I'm so brilliant woot! (yes I coughed out loud when I typed that lol - brill-cough-ant), moved out of home at 17, parents got divorced a year later, honours degree in pyschology, fell pregnant, got married (yep thats the order lol), had the most awesome in-laws ever, baby #2, had an awesome job that I still miss, endured a series of miscarriages over a 3 year period, watched my beloved father-in-law die from cancer (much QQ), I cheated, got divorced, fell in love, had my heart broken into a million unfixable pieces, met my husband to be, fell pregnant, got married (am I the only person seeing a pattern here?? ), baby #4, and so on.
Thats pretty much my life in a nutshell. Apart from the fact that I am more fertile than a damn rabbit, I'm a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I am not a victim of anything or anyone, I am simply a survivor of shit. I am woman, hear me roar. I iz l33t! (translation for the nongamers: I am elite)
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