me in me grundies... virtually speaking of course

Ok so I have flaws. Everyone does, so what if I have a few extra than most? So what if I have a few "unique" ones? When all is said and done, I'm the only one who truly has to live with me lol. So here I am, naked except for the the worst, oldest, most stretched nana grundies I own... cyber'ly speaking of course, sif I own nana nickers!...

I am...

• Word obsessed:
  I'm a word freak. I remember things in words, in the words I read, thought, said, saw. I dunno why words stick in my head so much, but they do, they just do. If someone says something important (or traumatising lol) on msn or in email or, heck, in a real letter, I can even still SEE those words in my head. I hear the voices saying phrases that uplifted me, or sentences that depressed me, over and over in my head, years later even. I dwell on words, I dunno why, I'm just a word freak I think.
• Negative:
  I've become a negative thought-thinking-type person. I guess that happened a few years ago, when my sense of self was turned upside down and inside out during a very difficult break-up. Not that it was a break-up per se, it was more of an immediate dumping. The difficulty was all emotional and all mine. Ahhh the sweet smell of rejection, its good for the soul... no wait, no its not, my mistake. All the things I thought I was, who I thought I was, was suddenly put into question. Suddenly I wasn't "good enough", suddenly I was "unattractive" and "beneath him", suddenly I was "shallow", suddenly all I was was a "party girl" with "no depth", suddenly I was a "bad mother" and a "useless wife", suddenly I had no "morals" and no "family values", suddenly I was "selfish", suddenly I was "evil" even (!! wtf!!), suddenly I was basically the opposite of everything I thought I was. I didn't become bitter, not really, I just became more wary, less trusting, and more realistic about my self and my flaws. I mean, really, previously I thought I was pretty darn perfect you know :D. So it was a bit of a shock to the system to discover I wasn't... lol. Point is, now I'm soooo realistic I'm actually cynical. And I don't like it. Bring back the ol' Jo I say! Optimism please!!
• Shallow:
  I hate my body. The hatred is a flaw and so is the post-baby body! 1. I've had 4 children and breastfed for approximately 6 years of my life. I used to have full perky well-rounded breasts. Used to... thats all I'm gonna say on the matter. Empty sacks of boob'ness = a definite flaw. QQ. 2. I have stretch marks. Same reason, grr. 3. I have loose belly skin that I dont think will ever be perfect again, more grr. 4. And I want to lose another 3 or 4kgs to reach a weight/size that I'm happy with. Yet more baby grr. It'd be ok if I had time to go to the gym and stuff, but I cant even sit on the exercise bike for longer than 30 secs without being child-harrassed!!
• Baggage'ful:
  I have too much baggage. Four kids, two ex-husbands, baggage baggage baggage. When I was having marital problems last year a friend of mine advised me to work harder at it, to give my husband and my marriage another chance, cos that relationship was probably my last chance... apparently if we got divorced I'd end up alone for a really long time (not that theres anything wrong with that mind you!!)... cos who'd want me when I come with so much baggage... nasty much? (theres that word memory thingy again lol)
• Moody:
  I get pms. Its a fact. Apologies in advance and for anything I've said or done in the past during that 2 days a month. I can normally tell its pms, but not until half way through the second day and by then its too late. Btw, that time is now. :)
• Strong n' tough:
  I have a problem with showing weakness and being vulnerable. I just dont like it. I dont like to depend on anyone and I get really embarrassed about admitting I need help. I'm tough and strong... or more to the point, I prefer people to believe that than see the truth, that sometimes I'm just needy and pathetic. I hate pathetic, hate it. Its such a struggle to admit to emotion, I dont know how normal people do it lol. Rationality ftw. :P
• Sleep deprived:
  I don't sleep much. Insomnia -> sleep deprivation -> cranky and low patience. QQ.
• A game addict:
  I play World of Warcraft and I happily admit to preferring online fake toon'y life than the stress of real life. I call this a flaw cos, well, it is lol.
• Windy:
  I eat liquorice... and thats a flaw cos it makes me pass wind. And liquorice farts are decidely unpleasant. :O
• Overly defensive:
  Apparently I'm overly defensive lol. Today for e.g... *deletes*. I guess it (negative stuff) hurts my self-pride, and pride is a flaw too. I gotta get my old confident self back, I really do. Lesson learned for today. :)
• Proud:
  As above. ;)
• Jealous:
  Another newbie flaw... I experience jealousy often. Jealous of this, jealous of that. Jealousy is a damn curse, and I dont like it. I think its a confidence / self-belief problem. Grr, I dont like it. Another thing to add to the fix list!!
• Stress'y:
  I seem to be stress'y lately, which doesn't fit with "me" either lol. Partly cos of the sleep deprivation, but mostly cos the toddlers stress me to the max. They're demanding, they fight a lot and they're in my face 24 7. They're so close in age - 14-15mths - they're almost twins. They act like twins ffs. Even before we separated, I was single parenting a lot... I'm so not a single-parenting-of-two-toddlers fan. Then theres the whole "loss of self" thing that happens when you have kidlets. I'm so over that too. I'm a person ffs and I have a right to shower on my own occasionally, to sit still for longer than 2mins without having someone sit on me or tug at me or demand things of me. My first two kids had better, safer, constant access to things like their sandpit, trampoline, space to ride their bikes, etc, but they were much calmer, played independently and their behaviour was public'worthy. These two... omg they feed off each other... taking them both shopping or "out" is a nightmare sometimes lol. Thank god I didn't really have twins... I'd be nuts!
• Irritating:
  I am annoying and irritating. I do things like talk during movies - I dont know how to shush. In fact, I dont stfu often. I just ramble and ramble, blah blah. I'm sure people turn off, but I just keep rambling. Maybe I'm too self-indulgent lol.
• Sarcastic:
  I have a very unusual sense of humour that is mostly based in sarcasm and negativity. I'm the first to poke fun at myself and /shrug about it. I deal with stress through humour... and I swear I made a Steve Irwin Stingray Joke within minutes of hearing that news. My bad. I include this as a flaw simply because most people actually don't "get it" lol. They think I'm either nasty or just plain weird. >.<
• Loyal:
  I am staunchly loyal. Not a flaw you say? It is when I expect others around me to be the same. Perfect loyalty... perfection is hard to live up to. I get easily depressed when this expectation fails, which it always does. I shouldnt judge people by the standards I set for myself, another lesson learned. :)
• A liar:
  I lie. I don't always tell the whole truth - little white lies ftl. Designed to make it easier for other people, but it always backfires. I'm so outspoken and upfront normally, so I dont know why I do this. Fear I guess. Which brings me to...
• Outspoken:
  I'm too outspoken and often end up putting my foot in my mouth. Often. Foot. Mouth. Often! Too many examples to list!
• High maintenance:
  I need constant attention and reassurance - another relatively new flaw. It makes my normal easy-going self suddenly become high-maintenance. I don't know how to rectify this, and I'm so sick of letting it stress me out. Confidence... where'd my belief in my self go? Sheesh.
• Grudge'y:
  I hold grudges. There I said it. I forgive, but I rarely forget. Sorry peeps, I think I've been this way since I was like 8. >.<
• Anti-social:
  I've become quite anti-social, which again is a relatively new thing. I was always active and social, lots of friends... which sorta backfired on me with my first divorce. Lots of fake friends it seems. I really only hang with two friends, the Jo Hos. I pretty much ignore everyone else. With the new separation, hopefully Luke will have the kids more and I'll have time to myself to actually "play adults" and go out and stuff. Heck, last week Laura and I went out for drinks and a movie. It was awesome... til Lana got sick of course lol. Ahh the independence!
• Un-me:
  I guess my biggest flaw atm is that I'm not myself. I need fixin'. The last 5 years... two babies, health issues, two relationships with two men who were both highly critical of me, loss of self-esteem (hmm wonder why lol)... I'm so over all that. Time to get me back. Woot for personal growth. From now on I am me on my terms, accept it or gtfo of Jo'ville. :)