QQ

Almost four years ago now I was fortunate enough to meet an awesome young man called Luke. He is sensitive and caring and moral and, when he lets people in instead of pushing them away, he's a wonderful friend. We've been through so many ups and downs, and he came into my life at a time when I really needed the unconditional love he was offering, and I thank him for that. He was easy to love, he is easy to love, and I will always care about him as the father of my children, and as a person in his own right.

I feel lucky. Lucky and blessed. Lucky to have shared so many good memories, including two difficult pregnancies and two births. Lucky to have shared so many quiet moments, and so many loud fun moments.

But Luke and I... we never made the conscious choice to be together. And we were fraught with issues from the start. We had issues with commitment, respect, loyalty, anger, abusiveness, cheating, and worst of all, communication.

Since January, we've been fake-happy. Lukes been making a massive effort to get on top of depression, get his life together. And I'm so very proud of him, which just made what I had to do - HAD to do - even worse. For a relationship to thrive, love has to be nurtured. And we haven't done that. The put downs, the constant instability of "I dont think I love you", the stress of everything from money to kids to life... it just broke down my heart over time. And my sense of self. Then came that abusive, nasty argument at the start of this year. I just became numb. But I wanted my family, and Luke was getting himself together, and I care about him, and I was proud of him... I could ramble on and on, but the point is... I can't deny it to myself or Luke anymore. I'm just "done". I don't have anything left, its too little too late for me. I just KNOW in my heart, in my mind, and in my very soul, that this relationship isn't healthy for me, Luke, or the children. I just know it.

I love my family and I treasure the good times we've shared together, and I feel blessed to have these beautiful (if frustrating, omg toddlers are frustrating!) children. Luke, I know that you've admitted you weren't happy, that you didn't feel "happy" in any sense, on the day we got married. But I did. I thought we could do it, I absolutely thought we could. And the day Alana was born... that was one of the best moments for me. You were perfect and the entire day (pain aside of course) was awesome. I will always, always treasure the good times. And I will never regret our relationship, despite all the pain, despite all the upsets. I think, given time, you and I would make an awesome parenting pair, and I pray you can forgive me enough for that to happen.

From The Notebook... "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever." That is my version of love, and its real. I've been there before and lost it. And in retrospect Luke, I dont think we've ever had that. Awakens the soul? No, I feel the opposite, I don't even recognise my "self" anymore. And peace to the mind? No, just no. I loved you, but this soulmate type connection, we've never had it. Its not something you can force yourself to feel or unfeel for that matter. You know when somethings right, and you know when something isn't. And I'm so sorry Luke, I'm so sorry.

This is not your fault, a relationship takes two. And I failed you as much as you failed me. I only hope that you can forgive me sooner rather than later. I hate that I've hurt you so much. The last few days have been amongst some of the hardest and most difficult of my life. I'm so very sorry.